We've all heard about how anticipation and preparation can help us handle our kids' behavior. For instance if it's close to snack time and I'm bringing the boys with me to run an errand, I can anticipate they'll get hungry and turn into little gremlins if they aren't fed, and prepare by bringing along a snack. Smoother sailing, right? This is stuff we figure out pretty early on in our parenting journeys.
But anticipation as a parenting tool can be more than that - anticipation can also help our kids handle their own behavior. We can anticipate with our kids to help them think ahead about their choices (like with Zip and his bedtime) or even anticipate to help them devise a coping strategy in advance of a tough situation It is always easier to make good choices we aren't in the heat of the moment (when emotion overrides reasoning) and it is easier to use a skill that has been practiced already.
For example, we worried that Bee was going to freak out when it came time for his flu shot. So beforehand we taught him how to count, "1, 2, 3 - PINCH - all done!" (courtesy of the book Blue's Check-Up) and we practiced on his arm with a tiny pinch. Would you believe that when the nurse came in with the nasal mist he actually asked for the shot instead?! Bee also tends to get upset when a babysitter comes to the house, so now we try to give him the heads up a couple of hours ahead of time and talk with him how he can manage it. We have him think about what they can do together and how he wants to say good-bye in a way that doesn't involve tears and chasing us out the door. (Full disclaimer: We still had tears Saturday night, but did avoid the chasing part.)
As I write this I'm thinking how much it also helps me to decide how I'm going to handle a frustrating behavior before it actually happens. Maybe that is why when a challenging new behavior sneaks up on us I tend not to handle it very gracefully at first. It catches me off-guard and I usually fumble around the first few times (and by fumble I mean growl or lecture or threaten ridiculous consequences) until I step back, think it through, and make a rational decision about how I'm going to handle the behavior going forward. Once I can anticipate the problem, I can make a more conscious decision about how I want to handle it (and how I don't want to handle it).
It doesn't always work. But kids want to feel in control and know what to expect. They want their world to be safe and predictable and they want to make good choices. So I think helping them anticipate what is to come and empowering them by planning for how they can handle it goes a long way toward helping them make good choices and build their coping skills.
We call this "managing expectations" at our house and usually works fairly well if WE remember to do our part. Has made a huge difference!
ReplyDeleteYes! I've found this makes a big difference in how smoothly things go just about anytime. My 3 year old has been driving me crazy at bedtime too, running around all hyped up. I have found myself forcibly brushing his teeth, or holding him down to put his pajamas on. The solution? I went on google images, and printed out a piece of paper with 3 pictures -- a potty, a toothbrush, and a pair or pajamas. Every night at bedtime, I say "let's go see what we need to do!" and he runs excitedly to his room to look at the pictures and decide which one he wants to do first. And gets a star for each one. Soo much easier now!
ReplyDelete"Managing expectations" - that is a great term for it! You are right that the parents' part is essential. Kids can't do this without us! At least, not until they are much older - hopefully by helping them learn to anticipate and plan, they eventually learn to use that skill independently.
ReplyDeleteWhat an awesome plan!!! I love it! Isn't it amazing how something so simple can make such an ENORMOUS difference? :)
ReplyDeleteI'm usually the person in our family who organizes and plans everything, but somehow for a long time I got frustrated by the difficult situations in our daily routine, because I didn't have the "right" answer or way to handle it. You make a very important and excellent point here. When a behaviour of our children - or of anybody else! - sneaks up on us, we should be prepared. I was so, with my collegues at work, but why not with my children? Stepping back is not always possible, so anticipating the problem is the best solution. Since I do this, I feel much more relaxed and my children get much less upset etc.. It's a real benefit for the whole family. Thank you very much for this post! And I'm so glad I found your blog!
ReplyDeleteA more relaxed parent means a happier family, for sure. So glad you enjoyed the post.
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